30th August 2004,
Went to dad's office today, helping brother to shift things. Heart broken seeing so much memories and flash back of the scene. Daddy, are you okay there? I miss you so much. Can't control the tears, it just roll down my cheek, like little babby crying for daddy's hugs.
Has been almost a year living without dad. Mum stay home, as usual, busy and filled up with all the house chores, those unnecessary house chores. Can't bother much of things around. Am so worried, how to take care of mum. If I went back Penang, how she coping alone? She's so clumsy, really clumsy, like a little kids..can't let her make any decision.
Will be back Penang tomorrow, need to start shifting my stuff to new apartment, cleaning and do the necessary so that can take mum hme fast. Brother still worried about the shop. How to help him? Can't bother much, don't know wht to do, just a prayer,
"God, I need You to work through this time of needs, flex Your muscle again Lord. Let me see you work. Increase my faith. Where can I place my faith again Lord? I am scare and tired and weary, I need you to work, in my heart, my faith and trust. Pls, don't let me stop believing you. Work in us, perform miracle Lord!"
Monday, August 30, 2004
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Rolling down the Hills
25th August 2004,
Today not feeling well, wake up late, feel just so heavy, so much burden, has not been sleeping well even though just back from Pangkor. Am not happy, thinking again, think and think, so many things in mind, wondering whether am I in the right track? Not so sure, has been long here yet so many things seem to be not victorious. Sick of being to involved with own emotion, probably just let it be bottled up. Just bottled up, no one can know, no one even cares.
Again? Self-pity? Where is your position in Christ? Trying to be focused on what is laid on the cross, the Purpose Driven Life? To live joyfully and purposefully because of the price He paid on the cross.
Probably this is the pattern of downhill side of my spiritual life. Was called a 'leader'. ever learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Am so tired with the move and swiftiness of man. What is this season that I'm in? How should I peddle again? Why can't I just laid it down Jesus's feet and not fret it anymore? Where is the trust and faith? The Childlike-way. What should I do now?
Later got meeting. Infectious Control Meeting, so what? I didn't prepare anything at all. What's running in my mind is just wanna go home, don't want to care for anything, but just get back to my cave, and hibernate. Again, hibernate. Shirley, you're just running away, you will never learn if you stick that way. Rise up man! Overcome that carnal and idle mindset. Overcome, rise up! Rise up, roll uphill, not downhill, not down there. Go! Confront the challenge set for you in front, ahead!
Today not feeling well, wake up late, feel just so heavy, so much burden, has not been sleeping well even though just back from Pangkor. Am not happy, thinking again, think and think, so many things in mind, wondering whether am I in the right track? Not so sure, has been long here yet so many things seem to be not victorious. Sick of being to involved with own emotion, probably just let it be bottled up. Just bottled up, no one can know, no one even cares.
Again? Self-pity? Where is your position in Christ? Trying to be focused on what is laid on the cross, the Purpose Driven Life? To live joyfully and purposefully because of the price He paid on the cross.
Probably this is the pattern of downhill side of my spiritual life. Was called a 'leader'. ever learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Am so tired with the move and swiftiness of man. What is this season that I'm in? How should I peddle again? Why can't I just laid it down Jesus's feet and not fret it anymore? Where is the trust and faith? The Childlike-way. What should I do now?
Later got meeting. Infectious Control Meeting, so what? I didn't prepare anything at all. What's running in my mind is just wanna go home, don't want to care for anything, but just get back to my cave, and hibernate. Again, hibernate. Shirley, you're just running away, you will never learn if you stick that way. Rise up man! Overcome that carnal and idle mindset. Overcome, rise up! Rise up, roll uphill, not downhill, not down there. Go! Confront the challenge set for you in front, ahead!
"In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary"
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